Kitchen Etiquette 101

I've been sick beyond insanity these days.  Managed to make it into work one day this week.  It blows...  I had a lot of fun for the one day of hacking my brains away while peeling for 5 hours straight.  My right hand has a mark in it from the repetitive motion of peeling yuca with a pairing knife and using my 12 inch chef blade to make them into batonnet.  Genuinely pray that those yuca frites were the best tasting things ever after doing it for hours.

While peeling, I had to distract myself a bit.  The guys and I talked shit about reality television shows and music. The sous chef and I tend to talk about different types of cuisines at time, which is a plus for a food freak like me. He even made a vegetable based risotto that inspired me to make it a day later.  Mine has wine...most of my food is cooked with wine and an assortment of booze but eh, whatever.  Around hour two, I heard at least four people speak to one of my coworkers about his ass crack, which leads me to the beautiful topic called kitchen etiquette 101.

If you are working or at least witnessed a chaotic morning/afternoon in a typical NYC kitchen, it's hostile.  The kitchen is small, tight and the constant rubbing/friction could be easily misinterpreted by HR as sexual harassment at its finest.  Thankfully, we have the official (and unofficial) kitchen etiquette to prevent these daily incidents and sightings from being taken to another level.  

We don't want to see your butt residue.

The gentleman in my kitchen, who I will name, Chef A/C (ass crack for the not so clever), doesn't understand the rules of the kitchen too well.  I try not to bust his chops too much but there are times where we politely bump heads in my short time there.  Chef A/C is a constant offender of ACD:  ass crack disease.  I remember being in school and watching others become a constant billboard of their assets.  Once in a blue, I blended in with this crowd and committed my share of kitchen crimes but I learned quickly once entering my male dominated kitchen.  Sir A/C shouldn't be an exception since he has over two years under his figurative belt.  I became a victim on Wednesday when I bent over to pick up some scrap to put into my compost and lifted my head to see his hairy monstrosity of an ass crack wiggling back and forth in my face.  Chef A/C is not a small boy at all.  If I was a sick individual, I could have blew some air in it because I was that close.  One of my coworkers had enough and yelled at Chef A/C to pull up his "mutha*uckin' pants."  In short, wear a longer shirt, get some chef pants that are loose enough to give you movement room but not enough to see your ass or at the very least, believe in the power of layering.  I practice layering before I go on the line.  

Maintain a clean station and know the power of kitchen manners for equipment.

He is also a chronic offender of keeping a messy station and grabbing items without asking.  Seriously, if I was actually working at this place on the books, I would be a bit more vocal about that.  I cannot stand buddying up with someone who cannot maintain cleanliness.  I don't want to eat anything that you have to make and when I have to clean up behind you because you fail to do it, takes time out of my busy schedule.  I have shit to do...just like you.  Just when you think he cannot possibly get any worse, he grabs your equipment off of your board without asking.  Really?!  Ask before taking.  What if I cut my finger with this blade and I left my station for a minute to clean up and sanitize.  You wouldn't know because you don't care enough to ask me for permission.  My job is just as important as yours.  C'mon man...ask for permission.  

Treat your dishwasher with respect.

Don't talk to this person like crap when you need something.  Empty out your garbage before leaving it at his or her station.  Don't think that this person is a friggin robot.  It's called respect asshole and the dishwasher deserves it.  While we're whipping up wonderful (or what we think is wonderful) dishes for the public, someone has to wash all of our dishes.  Treat this person with respect because he/she is the backbone of our operation.

Know when you cannot efficiently multitask.

Multitasking is a skill and a talent for some.  Some people think it's okay to pick up five things and can do it effectively.  For others, you may need some time.  Be smart about it.  Sure, you want to get out of work earlier but it's not going to happen if you just spilled the main course on a guest foot and the $50 bowl is now in pieces.  "Thanks Chef!  I really wanted to feed my feet today.  My blisters thank you for spilling piping hot 165 degree food on my foot and my $300 shoes thank you for the exquisite meal."  

Gain a sense of humor and borrow some balls when needed.

Everyone is emotional, sometimes irratic and at times, can be a clusterfuck of madness.  Know when to be light about things and when you should address certain things when they occur.  Be wise and respectful.  Please remember: Don't allow yourself to be a punching bag for too long.  Nobody should be a pushover.

Cut your own damn food.

It is helpful when you are tight for time and there's someone that's not using their already chopped parsley but if I tell you that I'm using what I have, NO, go chop your own damn food.  Don't beg me to use stuff that I'm making for my dishes all of the time because you're lazy.  The time you spend Johnny Gilling and Keith Sweating me for some ingredients that are in the damn walk in, you could be doing the same thing yourself.  Don't interpret this statement and run to your sous or head chef and tell them "Hey idiot...I'm not making the side course for your main because you can do it for yourself."  No buddy...that will send you to the unemployment line.  What I suggest is for you to stop finding shortcuts every five minutes and do it yourself.  When you really need the help or an extra five minutes, your crew will know that it is not a cop out.

Practice kitchen manners and say it loud.

"Behind you" goes a long way.  Nobody wants to give you a lecture filled with excuse me when you're holding onto something heavy, hot and can scorch you with the wrong move.  Behind you is a nice way of asking you to clear the space.  Don't take it as a person trying to be rude...just move out of the way.  Offer some help if you can extend it and it's practical.  Scream out "sharp" when you have a sharp object.  I don't want to be on the ten o'clock news because I was stabbed in the face accidentally.  Plus, hold the items down when carrying these objects.  Hand over a sharp object with the handle facing me.  I need to effectively grab it.  

Well, I'm going back to sleep before I prep dinner for a few friends for tonight.  I need all of the rest that I can get.

What Is It Really Like Out "There"

The look of crap at 9AM.  

Woke up this morning at 4AM with a sore throat, can barely see straight and feeling like crap.  Typical people would have the sense to go back to bed.  I haven't been graced by this pleasurable luxury.  Instead, I hit snooze and made a pathetic attempt of starting my morning routine.  Yawn, eye crust, grumble grumble and stumble like a drunkard to the bathroom.  Surprisingly, I actually made it to the bathroom to take a shower.  Felt so good for all of the five minutes that I could stand to be in there.  Puked up a part of last night's internal debate of whether I was getting sick and threw myself back into bed.

Take two:  Tortured myself at 5:50 and said to myself that I'll pay off some bills and at the very least, I can muster up some strength to make it to work.  Sat at the computer and if I can imagine, probably looking pretty pathetic and came to a depressing conclusion that I will not be going in for my internship today.  Feel even more like shit since the last day I've been there was Thursday.  Oh joy.

Here's the reality of the culinary world and what it is like out "there":

Nobody truly cares how sick you are when you're in the industry.  Bring your sad, pathetic ass to work and let me actually send you home.  This way, I can see that you made an attempt.  In addition, we know you are not supposed to contaminate the food BUT if I need you to work, you're going to do it while carrying around a bottle of NyQuil, Benadryl, Motrin 600 and some Vicodin.  While heavy intoxicated by over the counter pharmaceuticals, you'll be lucky to start out in this industry at $13/hour...at least in New York.  My inner psychic says you'll be making anywhere from minimum wage to eh...$10/hour, which you will be slaved for.  If you have a great hookup, then you are indeed fortunate, my dear.

This industry will drain you sometimes and if you're really committed to it, the rush will turn you on better than any estranged prostitute on a broken corner can ever do.  Just please don't be jaded by the idea that this is a bird course or easy.  Sure, there's nothing to cooking food once you've mastered the technique but try mastering that technique to a hungry crowd of 200 in three hours.  Can you really execute these dishes in complete harmony?  Will you tap into your inner Zen like cooking guru in the sky and feel at peace?  Probably not.  There will be loads of confusion, cross messages, "no, I really didn't ask for that", "I don't like my lettuce with any specks of brown..." and you will lose track of time at the drop of a hat.  This is what it is like out there.

Being sick is for people who have the time to sleep.  People who have the time to sleep are the ones who either paid their dues, still in school with no real obligations, hospitalized, have no job whatsoever and probably not making a decent attempt and should I get dramatic on saying the cliche thing of getting sleep when you're dead.  Another probability is quite possibly that there's someone that you're mooching off of and are a fortunate gold digger.  Hey, not knocking you at all if that's you.

In the meantime, this 26 year old Brooklynite have to do this internship while freelancing in culinary and photography while juggling a family life, praying that I will never be like some of my coworkers who laugh about their divorces and late night rendezvous with the alluring lady called the bar.  Not looking for any damaging vices where I'm smoking and snorting my life away on precious lines.  I just like to draw them on paper...not much interested in putting them in my nose.  They don't teach you that in kindergarten.

Sometimes, I'm a bit annoyed of how people watch reality shows like Top Chef and truly don't grasp the amount of time, energy and endurance that a person need to really make it on these shows.  It's a beautiful thing to be inspired and want to go into this industry because of it but I sincerely recommend for people to dig deeper than what's seen on television.  Start out working for someone for a month...better yet, go lower than that.  Host a party for 20.  Do all of the prep work, cooking, hosting and take orders while communicating with your guests.  Then go work for someone in their kitchen.  Identify all of the products that you need to use efficiently.  Watch them...almost like your life depended upon it.  Admire the speed of the person holding the blade.  Take in all of the wonderful aromas erupting from the kitchen.  Immerse yourself in the genuine smiles that come from the customers who are enjoying what's coming from you.  Now, take a moment and look at the aggravation on the dishwasher's face.  Watch all of the veins pop out of the Executive and Sous Chef's head for small things.  Count how many curse words fly out of people's mouths.  Take in every sexist, crude joke and multiply it times ten.  Sniff your arm pit after eight hours with barely any type of break.  Don't get too comfortable because it's not time for you to go home yet.  You've been there since 6AM?  My supervisor has been there since 5AM and he or she is not going to care.  They'll be here all day long and will rinse, wash and repeat this 6 days a week.  Cry silently about your bunions, your blistered hands and semi broken spirit.

After all has been done, please tell me how much you love this industry.  Tell me what it truly means to call in sick?  What it means to make a semi decent wage after you've slaughtered yourself, possibly lost part of your family, missed out on festivities and tuning in from a distance of how everyone is having fun without you and tell me how much you love this industry.  If you are able to balance your personal life with this industry, my kudos are to you.  If not, please evaluate if this is what you want.  Thankfully, I LOVE this industry because of the end result, making all of the chaotic stuff minuscule to me but can you truly say the same?  After you love it, ask yourself, what is my backup plan if this doesn't work in my favor in the future.

Welcome to my reality.  It's tough, trying and emotional but I love it.